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User talk:Celluloid
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Fun Shoot Game page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 05:36, April 17, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:39, April 17, 2016 (UTC) Jay Ten (talk) 15:53, April 17, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:20, April 24, 2016 (UTC) Pro Tip Editing another user's page will result in a ban for vandalism. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:04, April 25, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Your story was deleted for not being up to quality standards. There were quite a lot of issues here ranging from: punctuation (Commas missing from sentences where needed: "the thread said(,) "In no way does that mean I'm not near all of you,"", "He soon made another post, saying(,) "I'm even closer to you!"", "he said(,) "I'm even closer to you!"", etc. Punctuation errors: "Normal members, and other staff members were.(,) But (but) he was not responding.", "The bed had red blankets,(comma not needed) and green pillows.", "I was both afraid, and confused.", If you are linking two items, there is no need to insert a comma/pause, etc.) and wording issues ("In fact, he has (had) something to do with the site going down.", " I decided not to delete thread (sic)", "match the gender of the person in the picture, in terms of what gender (redundant)", a majority of the issues however fell on the story itself. Story issues: There feels to be a disconnect here between the protagonist/admin on the site. They give this information. "Also, when he joined, he didn't come back online until 2 days after he signed up, and verified his account.", but really do nothing to prevent him from harassing/intimidating other users. It feels odd that they would focus so much on how they think Liam is a threat, but not block him or try to get outside help if they think he's breaking the law. Then there's this disconnect: "Neither was Liam. I was wondering, did Liam do something to this staff member?" Why do they reach that conclusion in the first place? It would be like assuming each time two people are inactive on this site that they're hanging out. You really need to draw a better link between them to justify assuming he's responsible for the murders/disappearances. There's no connection/interaction between Liam and Storm so reaching that conclusion feels forced that early in the story. Story issues cont.: "I would take a screenshot of the thread, and delete it." If the protagonist is taking screenshots, why are they not included here? It makes a pretty large plot hole if you're recording conversations/posts, but not including mock versions. This also brings up the question if they assume something bad is happening to other members of the site (one member posts a thread about being chased), why aren't they getting the law involved? While there isn't much evidence to link Liam and the other member's disappearance together, why hasn't he been banned or authorities alerted? Story issues final: "I was too far away from the person to see what they looked like, but I eventually saw who it was. I recognized this person, and this was my first time even seeing them in real life" This feels like you forgot to link it up to the description the other member posted for Liam. Then there's the ending. "I stayed inside for about 30 minutes. I can't tell you the rest." This feels unfinished and extremely anticlimactic. All in all, the story needs quite a lot of work. It feels pretty rushed and really doesn't build on the plot much to increase the tension. You also don't really tie up the introduction at all. They say it's been years since these events, why are they bringing them up know? Was there encounter with Liam recent? If so, it's not really referenced that any time has passed since the site has closed and the recent encounter. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:32, April 25, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:19, June 6, 2016 (UTC) Warning: Please refrain from blanking/altering your talk page as it serves as a public record. Doing so will result in a lengthy ban. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:43, June 7, 2016 (UTC) :Now you're banned for one day for not following directions/heeding warnings. The next infraction will result in a lengthy ban. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:45, June 8, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:44, June 7, 2016 (UTC)